The big house. Only one phone call, bad food, everyone hates you, bars all around you, oh wait, that’s what happens when you commit a felony, not when you go out for pizza!
As a newly opened and popular pizza joint, the only arresting Big House Pizza will be doing is cardiac arrest, what with their giant pizzas filled with gourmet toppings.
The seating was clean, and there was a really large wall of stars from The Good [Morgan Freeman, who was charged with drunk driving, but later discredited. And Kiefer Sutherland actually had a drinking problem which lead to an assault charge, but he sobered up] The Bad [Michael Jackson, no comment on whether or not he really did do anything bad, I’ll get controversial in a moment] and The Ugly [O.J. Simpson, who ironically was turned down for the role of The Terminator for being too nice].
The menu had classier-than-usual puns such as Rob ‘The Jerk’ Ford [for non-Torontonians who don’t know who he is, he’s a lazy, cheap to the point of causing car accidents, dirty, homophobic, loves McDonald’s-so-much-he-literally-gave-the-key-to-the-city-to-the-owner-of-Mickey D’s disgusting slob of a mayor, I don’t care if his supporters hate me for saying that, people also supported George W. Bush and Adolf Hitler, so there.
Wow that was a long bracket. If you forgot I was naming some of the clever names on the menu] the Rocky Balboa [filled with meat and hot peppers] and the John A McDonald [basically a Big Mac on a pizza but with higher class meat and veggies].
I had the Rocky Balboa [Sylvester Stallone wasn’t on the wall of celebs because he was never arrested] Pizza, and my family picked the [forgot what you picked, sorry] and The Greek, which I didn’t try since there was no way I’d like it.
The Balboa was amazing, the cream cheese sauce worked very well as a tomato sauce substitute, somehow, and the meat pieces were huge and very generous, not to mention just plain quality.
The basics, such as the cheese and taste of the crust, were equally as great, and not flavourless like that crap Pizza Pizza regurgitates. I tasted the [mom’s – Editor’s note: I had the Jimmy “Margheritaville” Buffet) and it worked as well, but it wasn’t my favourite, I’d recommend it for people with smaller appetites, although it wouldn’t really matter since you’ll probably take something home anyway if everyone has their own pizza.
I also tried their Brio soda, which is made supposed to be made from some kind of Italian fruit [learned it on Wikipedia], but is actually made just from water, and different types of sugars and chemicals, as well as carbon [but fortunately not Mentos]. They had a strong, sort of sweet/peppery taste, sort of like homemade root beer, that was overpowering by itself but worked brilliantly as a sweet counter to a salty/savoury meal.
Like other places I have been to, the staff knows about my blog, and I gave an honest critique. Like before, regardless if I liked them or not, I made sure there was some helpful criticism. My advice to Big House Pizza would be to keep the same spirit you had when you first opened, it got you into excellent shape for newcomers [some places I’ve been to that just opened looked a little shoddy or had terrible food, your place looks like it’s been open way longer than just a few weeks], since it got you this far. Good luck and best of wishes.