Monthly Archives: July 2014

Bite Me Grill

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Bite Me Grill

All right everybody, this is the paragraph were I write to my subscribers, so if you just came for the restaurant, just start reading after the pictures of the mass murderer and the war criminal.  To my sub-ers [a made-up word that will probably end up in UrbanDictionary because of me], I’m heading to Montreal tomorrow as of time of writing, and will be taking pictures to do a compilation blog after returning.  You’ll probably see the thumbnail of me attempting to speak spanish to communicate with pro-french anti-anglos, with citizens face-palming my tourist level of stupidity in the background.  

facepalm

Bite Me Grill is apparently not a place where you bite people, as the friendly police officers explained as they gave me a free ride in the back seat of their car [A jest, I’ll put a # everytime I kid again]. I decided to get their signature all-day breakfast at 5:30 pm, because it had three types of meat in it with a bunch of other food.  My mom had the chicken souvlaki, because it was one of the things that didn’t cause a gluten reaction or nut allergy.  

bite me grill interior

The decor is modern in a not-incredibly-ugly-and-actually-stylish way, with an open kitchen.  There are two tvs, which inevitably had the Argentina/Netherland football game [I didn’t say soccer just to spite American football].  Since the former won, I can now say I still don’t care who wins.  It is also worth noting that the restaurant is located in the former half of a now-smaller Rogers establishment that used to hold VCRs that are currently displayed in the 20th century exhibit in the Royal Ontario Museum[#].  There is nothing left from the Rogers store as of now, except for the suit-man who guards the souls of those who failed to pay the cable bill on time in the basement [#].  
Bite Me Grill's signature breakfast

Bite Me Grill’s signature breakfast

The Bite Me Breakfast came with two half-slices of ham, a pair of breakfast sausages and conjoined twin bacon, eggs with I ordered scrambled, whole wheat buttered toast and home fries.  The meats were obviously salty, but not overwhelmingly so.  I found the home fries to be good, cooked to have flavour but not burnt into something Ebenezer Scrooge would steal from Bob Cratchit.  
Random picture of Mickey Mouse in keeping with the Scrooge reference

Random picture of Mickey Mouse in keeping with the Scrooge reference

They also had spice and a generally good standard taste to them.  The eggs were alright, but nothing was really done with them.  I wonder if perhaps the chef was better at cooking a different style of egg than the one I ordered.  As for the meats, they were well done.  While the ham was tender and tasty, the bacon was cooked to a crispy perfection and the sausages had a good bite paired with meaty flavour.  The portions were quite generous, especially with the heated animal flesh [bad choice of words bad choice of words], making it a win-win when paired with the menu options.  
First half of the menu.  Note the omelet prices

First half of the menu. Note the omelet prices

I looked at the prices, and decided they were not only fairly marked but clever.  You see, I found that the omelette section had the option of making your own custom omelette instead of ordering one of the selected ones from the menu.  Being a cheapskate with an evil sense of humour, I tried to see if ordering a custom omelette with the exact same toppings as a menu omelette would be cheaper [I did the math in my head, because I’m not that manic].  Predictably, the numbers were against my sleazy scheme.
Mom's chicken souvlaki

Mom’s chicken souvlaki

As for the souvlaki, it was also rather standard but good–much like the home fries–as it was juicy, tender, and marinated in a way that has stood the test of time many times over.
The Greek salad that came with the souvlaki.  Very generous with the feta cheese

The Greek salad that came with the souvlaki. Very generous with the feta cheese

 Observant readers, or those who are nutty enough to come up with things such as the Pixar Theory, will notice a recurring theme.  Everything was good, but also average.  It is an uncanny valley where the food is typical but good.  This makes it hard to put on a scale of how much the place is recommendable.  
yakuza pinky
On one end there is a place to join the Yakuza to have your pinky cut off to get a member’s pass for, and on the other is a place you’ll go to if your friend is bugging you to go to that place and you feel the need to punish them with ungodly horror even if you get dragged down with them into the pit of pain.  I was thinking of Tortilla Flats with that latter one.  I often will say a restaurant is okay to visit only if you’re in the immediate area, but I think Bite Me is good enough to say it warrants a little more than that.  There is a certain brand of diner food that Bite Me is a firm producer of, and if that is what you crave, than I certainly recommend it.  For someone who craves a better, but far more untraditional brunch, I’d point to a place such as Aunties and Uncles.  
Undercover in Montreal

Undercover in Montreal

I’m going to Montreal to see family and gather intel on Earth life for the Vrillians, so I must bid farewell for now.  
(Editor’s Note: At time of posting, Callum has safely returned from his recon mission to Montreal)
Bite Me Grill 730 Danforth Avenue

Bite Me Grill on Urbanspoon

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Aunties and Uncles

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Aunties and Uncles
Alright, to my subscribers [newcomers won’t find this paragraph relevant, but I guess nothing is stopping you from reading it anyway], I know it’s been a while, so long in fact, that a singularity happened where I didn’t even have a deadline anymore because no one was waiting for new content.  Well, now I’m back, and now you’re going to be waiting for new updates after this post is done, my bad.  I could say I was busy with studying, but since I’m homeschooled, that’d be flimsier than Canada’s national identity.
image courtesy of www.marxist.com

image courtesy of http://www.marxist.com

 I also suppose I could talk about what happened in the month I’ve been gone, either boring you with petty details that would bore a schoolgirls’ diary, or make some remark about world news, probably comparing Russia’s decision to invade Ukraine as a sad attempt to copy the USA’s international relations behavior, as if that is in anyway connected to a restaurant review.  And on that notion…
Aunties and Uncles is the next on the list of famous Toronto restaurants, after the poorly received Burrito Boyz.  Oh and by the way Boyz, in the eon I’ve been gone for, I went to another Mexican restaurant, and it had more heat than a collapsed igloo in the middle of winter! 
melted igloo
That’s referring to the previous entry in this series, but that should be the only reference to other posts of mine, I don’t want this blog to become the insert current formulaic overly-complicated soap opera here of the internet.  
The restaurant is a brunch place, one of those eateries that has been made out of an old house.
aunties and uncles
 The homey approach was thus the best way to do it, as being fancy would’ve been trying too hard in a way that would horribly backfire.  Like Canada attempting to please every single country in the world and turning into the world’s biggest 99% uninhabitable oil-rich pushover.  I’ve been hating the USA for too long to be good for my health, so I’ve redirected my rage at the only over live-able country I have citizenship in.  And since I’m angry about politics as usual and not Aunties and Uncles that can only mean that yes, it is a good place.  While we’re still on decor, while 50s/60s retro theme is by far overdone, I haven’t really seen a place where it could be anymore appropriate until now, since it’s fitting to refer to a time period the building has no doubt been through, and the brunch menu is reminiscent of highway diners that lived through the days of MacCarthism–err. I mean the Vietnam War– dammit, I meant the [swallow] american dream [the happy patriotism is too much… ugh].  I almost got through without being cynical, so close.  
In all seriousness, Aunties and Uncles is great, not just the aesthetics, but the food too.  Everything is in portions big enough to satisfy the hungriest hitch-hiker, and it is delicious.  There seems to be a certain way of cooking, probably either the using specific utensils or temperatures, that transcends cuisines and ingredients to deliver a specific homey taste that this place brings.
club sandwich
 I had the Aunties and Uncles club, which seemed fitting as it was probably their signature and it would be filling enough for me.  While the tomato was quite thick, this wasn’t a bad thing as the chicken and bacon were quite flavourful, and it was counteracted.  The bread was perfect, adding to the taste but not overpowering, and it held together the sandwich without crumbing to pieces.  
club sandwich close up
Along with it was a homemade ketchup, which is to Heinz what Bill Gate’s fortune is to NASA’s budget.  That may sound like a joke, but NASA gets .5%, or one half penny out of every dollar, of the nation’s tax.  There is literally a pennies for NASA campaign to get one full cent of every bill directed to the agency, as sad as it is.  Back on track, the ketchup had sweetness to it, but also some spice and pretty much everything that made it more than tomato mush and vinegar.  It was perfect for the bits of bread crusts hanging off the sandwich.  
breakfast tacos
My mom had the breakfast taco. It again had the homey taste, and I think credit is due to how the americanized ingredients added to it work so well. I also liked how the shell was doubled up so that it wouldn’t fall apart. This is one of the gluten free options, although it isn’t written as being such on the menu.
taco close up
As for the home fries, they were delicious, which is perfect for a brunch restaurant. They still retained the flavour of the original potato, as opposed to boiling it all away and desperately spicing it up much in the same way someone would lather on tons of cologne before their first date after having gotten really sweaty. That’s not to say that they were just potatoes mashed on a plate, they were cooked in such a way as to add flavour, and deserved their own paragraph and mean comparative joke.
image courtesy of cheezburger.com

image courtesy of cheezburger.com

 I really liked Aunties and Uncles, in no small part, due to the fact that I was expecting something overrated and bland like Burrito Boyz, but instead got a pleasant surprise, kind of like your phone ringing to notify you about an actually relevant message from a real human being, and not the usual din of app notifications or the service provider trying to shake out more money [I’m looking at you Rogers]. I recommend going to it from a distance and not just if you’re in the area and have a craving for something that just makes you as desperate as the cologne guy a half hour before his date [I’ve been trying to offend every demographic I’m a part of for whatever reason: Canadians, Americans, iPhone users, teenagers etc]. And I was referring to him desperate about smelling nice, what where you thinking of?
I’m hoping that more places on the list will be like this, but if they suck at least I’ll get to have another angry rant review.
Aunties and Uncles 74 Lippincott St

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