All right everybody, this is the paragraph were I write to my subscribers, so if you just came for the restaurant, just start reading after the pictures of the mass murderer and the war criminal. To my sub-ers [a made-up word that will probably end up in UrbanDictionary because of me], I’m heading to Montreal tomorrow as of time of writing, and will be taking pictures to do a compilation blog after returning. You’ll probably see the thumbnail of me attempting to speak spanish to communicate with pro-french anti-anglos, with citizens face-palming my tourist level of stupidity in the background.
Bite Me Grill is apparently not a place where you bite people, as the friendly police officers explained as they gave me a free ride in the back seat of their car [A jest, I’ll put a # everytime I kid again]. I decided to get their signature all-day breakfast at 5:30 pm, because it had three types of meat in it with a bunch of other food. My mom had the chicken souvlaki, because it was one of the things that didn’t cause a gluten reaction or nut allergy.
The decor is modern in a not-incredibly-ugly-and-actually-stylish way, with an open kitchen. There are two tvs, which inevitably had the Argentina/Netherland football game [I didn’t say soccer just to spite American football]. Since the former won, I can now say I still don’t care who wins. It is also worth noting that the restaurant is located in the former half of a now-smaller Rogers establishment that used to hold VCRs that are currently displayed in the 20th century exhibit in the Royal Ontario Museum[#]. There is nothing left from the Rogers store as of now, except for the suit-man who guards the souls of those who failed to pay the cable bill on time in the basement [#].
The Bite Me Breakfast came with two half-slices of ham, a pair of breakfast sausages and conjoined twin bacon, eggs with I ordered scrambled, whole wheat buttered toast and home fries. The meats were obviously salty, but not overwhelmingly so. I found the home fries to be good, cooked to have flavour but not burnt into something Ebenezer Scrooge would steal from Bob Cratchit.
They also had spice and a generally good standard taste to them. The eggs were alright, but nothing was really done with them. I wonder if perhaps the chef was better at cooking a different style of egg than the one I ordered. As for the meats, they were well done. While the ham was tender and tasty, the bacon was cooked to a crispy perfection and the sausages had a good bite paired with meaty flavour. The portions were quite generous, especially with the heated animal flesh [bad choice of words bad choice of words], making it a win-win when paired with the menu options.
I looked at the prices, and decided they were not only fairly marked but clever. You see, I found that the omelette section had the option of making your own custom omelette instead of ordering one of the selected ones from the menu. Being a cheapskate with an evil sense of humour, I tried to see if ordering a custom omelette with the exact same toppings as a menu omelette would be cheaper [I did the math in my head, because I’m not that manic]. Predictably, the numbers were against my sleazy scheme.
As for the souvlaki, it was also rather standard but good–much like the home fries–as it was juicy, tender, and marinated in a way that has stood the test of time many times over.
Observant readers, or those who are nutty enough to come up with things such as the Pixar Theory, will notice a recurring theme. Everything was good, but also average. It is an uncanny valley where the food is typical but good. This makes it hard to put on a scale of how much the place is recommendable.
On one end there is a place to join the Yakuza to have your pinky cut off to get a member’s pass for, and on the other is a place you’ll go to if your friend is bugging you to go to that place and you feel the need to punish them with ungodly horror even if you get dragged down with them into the pit of pain. I was thinking of Tortilla Flats with that latter one. I often will say a restaurant is okay to visit only if you’re in the immediate area, but I think Bite Me is good enough to say it warrants a little more than that. There is a certain brand of diner food that Bite Me is a firm producer of, and if that is what you crave, than I certainly recommend it. For someone who craves a better, but far more untraditional brunch, I’d point to a place such as Aunties and Uncles.
I’m going to Montreal to see family and gather intel on Earth life for the Vrillians, so I must bid farewell for now.
(Editor’s Note: At time of posting, Callum has safely returned from his recon mission to Montreal)
Bite Me Grill 730 Danforth Avenue